HEY GOOGLE: HOW A SUN VISOR BECAME A SEX CRIME

Google thinks my visors are porn. That’s right — my MASA (Make America Smile Again) and FUBAR (For Unapologetic Bad Ass Rebels) sun visors, stitched with nothing but words, no lace, no nudity, no erotic moaning — flagged as “adult-oriented content.” Apparently “Bad Ass” is the new XXX, and “Smile” is too political. Meanwhile, Amazon sells horse masks and “Eat My Nuts” tees with zero problem. This is censorship theater at its funniest. And you know what? We’re laughing, flipping Google the bird, and wearing the visors anyway.

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So here we are. Another day, another email from the kingdom of Silicon Valley’s moral police, and apparently I’m a pornographer now. I didn’t know it. I thought I was making sun visors — you know, those bendy pieces of fabric you slap on your forehead to block the sun. But according to Google’s almighty algorithm, my products — two innocent visors, stitched by hand, born without a single nipple or sweaty thrust in sight — are “adult-oriented content.” That’s right. My visor is dirty. My visor is indecent. My visor, ladies and gentlemen, is hardcore pornography.

And what is this obscene contraband? One visor reads FUBAR: For Unapologetic Bad Ass Rebels. The other? MASA: Make America Smile Again. That’s it. Just words. No Playboy centerfold tucked into the stitching. No lacy thong dangling from the bill. Just letters. But the great moral guardian known as Google has decided: these visors shall not pass.

Let’s start with FUBAR. Everyone knows FUBAR. Military term, World War II, shorthand for “Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.” Soldiers used it while being shelled, bleeding, eating Spam from a can, watching their buddies get blown to pieces — you know, lighthearted stuff. So I softened it. I repurposed it. I turned it into something wearable, fun, a little rebellious. “For Unapologetic Bad Ass Rebels.” A slogan. A laugh. A wink. Not porn. Not a sex toy. Not a subscription to “Hentai Horseplay Quarterly.”

But here’s Google, wagging its finger: Bad Ass is sexual. Naughty. Suggestive. Dirty. Really? That’s your line? Bad Ass? Not “assless chaps,” not “deep throat double deluxe,” not “banana hammock edition XL.” Just Bad Ass. That’s too far. Apparently “ass” is the new Chernobyl of words. You can’t touch it, you can’t look at it, and if you even think about it, Sergey Brin materializes in your kitchen to slap the coffee out of your hands.

Meanwhile, Google Shopping is full of products like “Booty Builder Bands” and “Peachy Butt Scrub.” I saw a shirt the other day on Google Shopping that literally said “Eat My Nuts.” That got approved. That sailed right through. But my visor with “Bad Ass Rebels”? Banished like it was some kind of fetish gear for squirrels.

Now let’s talk about MASA. “Make America Smile Again.” It’s the most wholesome goddamn visor you’ll ever wear. It’s not political propaganda, it’s not sexual innuendo, it’s literally about smiling. But oh no — the algorithm saw MAGA in the rearview mirror. It said, Whoa whoa whoa, that looks like politics. Can’t have that. Too sensitive. Too adult.

So let’s get this straight. Google will happily serve you ads for gambling apps, crypto scams, borderline human trafficking disguised as “dating services,” and Instagram thirst traps selling detox tea. But a visor encouraging people to smile? Too risky. Too controversial. Possibly a national threat. Smiling is basically terrorism now. Jesus wept.

The comedy here writes itself. According to Google:

• MASA visor = adult political merchandise.

• FUBAR visor = hardcore sexual content.

• Amazon listing for a life-size rubber horse mask = totally fine.

I don’t know what kind of Catholic school dropout coded this algorithm, but it seems to believe that every combination of letters is an orgy waiting to happen. Next week they’ll probably flag “ASSume responsibility” as porn. Or ban “Glass” because it contains the letters A-S-S. You’ll be trying to buy a wine glass and instead you’ll get a warning: This product is restricted due to sexually suggestive content.

So what do we do? We laugh. We lean into it. If the algorithm wants to call my visors porn, fine — let’s sell them as porn. Not real porn, obviously. Just the world’s lamest porn. Imagine a DVD cover: “Two Visors. One Sun. Rated XXX.” You open it up and it’s just some middle-aged guy mowing his lawn in a MASA visor while drinking a Capri Sun. Somewhere, a Google reviewer is blushing.

But here’s the truth: these visors aren’t controversial. They’re funny, they’re rebellious, they’re culture with teeth. MASA is the antidote to a country that’s forgotten how to laugh. FUBAR is the middle finger we all need after surviving a timeline where billionaires fly penis-shaped rockets to space while lecturing us on climate change. These visors are satire stitched into fabric. And satire has always been dangerous to power — especially corporate power that wants everything sanitized, bland, and algorithm-approved.

Google doesn’t care about your kids seeing something explicit. If they did, half of YouTube would be nuked. What Google cares about is liability. They care about avoiding headlines. They care about looking like the hall monitor in a school nobody asked them to run. And so they build these massive, blunt-force algorithms that can’t tell the difference between a Playboy cover and a word that offends Karen from HR.

But the thing about censorship? It never looks as smart as the people doing it think it does. It always looks dumb. It always looks like what it is: fear wearing a suit. And in this case, it looks like a trillion-dollar company flagging a visor as porn while approving ads for “grow your junk” pills.

So here’s what I say. Wear the visor anyway. MASA or FUBAR, I don’t care which. Put it on, walk outside, and smile at people. Rebel. Be a “bad ass” in the most wholesome way possible: by refusing to let a f**king algorithm tell you that words are dirty. Flip off Google with a grin so wide it cracks the sky. Because the only obscene thing here is the idea that letters on a visor are more dangerous than ignorance, hate, or the vacuum of joy that Big Tech profits from daily.

These visors are not porn. They’re not politics. They’re not “adult.” They’re fabric. They’re sunshine blockers. They’re punchlines. And maybe — just maybe — they’re the reminder that laughter, rebellion, and a good joke are worth fighting for, even if the fight is against a faceless algorithm run by a company too busy indexing the entire internet to realize it has become the world’s biggest unintentional comedy show.

So thanks, Google. Thanks for limiting visibility of my visors. Because nothing sells like censorship. Nothing makes a rebel product shine like the stamp of disapproval from the world’s biggest nanny. And nothing proves the need for satire like a trillion-dollar empire that can’t tell the difference between a smile and a sex act.

Now go ahead. Buy a visor before Google bans the alphabet.

I Am Fueled With Happy Thoughts And Coffee.
I Am FUBAR.
I Am MASA.
And none of that, dear Google, is porn.